Monday, March 14, 2016

Just Enough





Still? Nothing?

Oh! Haha. That's right. When you abandon your blog, no one reads your blog. Duh.

It's been two years since my last blog post. Two years! That's just shameful is what that is. But sometimes, you just have to suck it up and face the fact that you totally bailed on your dream.

I had a boss tell me once that he was disappointed in me because he thought I wasn't "going the distance". He used this vague, basically meaningless, expression because there wasn't anything, technically speaking, that I was doing wrong. Even though I was upset to hear his criticism (because I'm an over-achieving, rule-following, people-pleasing, praise-seeking weirdo), I knew on some level he was right. I wasn't giving more than everything I had, the way I used to. What I wanted to say to him and didn't (see aforementioned list of personality traits) is that it wasn't that I wasn't going "the" distance. I was just going a different distance. I'd decided to diversify my life and live for more than my job alone. I'd really started writing in earnest at that time. I'd also begun to focus on my health and trying to make my physical and mental being better. And I did. I really did. I finished my first manuscript (still unrepresented b.t.dubs) and I lost seventy pounds. That's going the damn distance. And it was for me, and not for anyone else, which is probably why it didn't show well on a professional review, but I was riding so high on my own feelings of accomplishment, that, well, my give a damn, just didn't.

But then, I coasted.

Straight up. Coasted.

I was doing just enough across the board. Just enough re-writing and querying to consider myself an active writer. Just enough dieting and exercising to maintain weight loss, but not get any further. I wasn't making progress, because I wasn't pushing. I was letting myself down, to myself, all the time. And then, before I was really aware of what was happening, my writing had gone untouched for six months and my clothes started getting tighter. Ugh. Sure. It would be easier to just be able to coast all the time, but not only did I not get anywhere, I started to backslide!

So, now what?

Now. I try again. I'm not at the starting line, which is good and bad really. For me, slightly smaller goals make me feel like I've got more time to reach them. In fact, not true. So, I'm still working on having the will power to push through. I've been making myself exercise daily (note to anyone with insomnia: the exercise totally helps) and I've been journaling every night before bed. It is not much, but it has propelled me forward again. I've started querying again (hint hint agents. Unrepresented chick ova heeya. Is there a literary come hither emoji? There should be.) and I've started writing (a little) for my next manuscript idea. Oh, and here I am on my pretty little blog again. It's not much,for now. But, for now, it's just enough.