Can you ever just be whelmed? : Overwhelming Options and Committing to a Path

I am a person who deals with anxiety on a daily basis. Some days it is the ordinary, being a person, kind of stress and some days it makes me shrink into myself so all I can do is stew in my own misery. It can be emotionally paralyzing on those days and, well, I've had a lot of those days lately.

I recently made a choice to make a major life change. I left a job I'd been at for 8 years. It was a job that came with a lot of perks. It was a job that gave me financial security. It was a job where I got to work with a lot of interesting and talented people and a job where I made a lot friends, some of which will be lifers.

And all of that being true, I was deeply unhappy. My health was starting to suffer and depression was taking over. After a lot of talking about it with anyone who would listen (Sorry Besties) and spending night after sleepless night in anguish trying to decide to stay or go, the time came and I had to make a decision. I didn't want to drag things out for myself or my employer. We both deserved better. So, I went for a walk and said to myself "I'm staying" and felt a dread knot form in my stomach. Then I said to myself "I'm going" and felt much lighter and more hopeful. There was my answer. I was going.

And go I did.

I wish I could say that I'm 100% sure that I made the right choice, but I can't. Doubt creeps in sometimes, and that decision opened up a world of options, which in theory is great, but to a person who already has anxiety problems is hellishly overwhelming. I've spent weeks pouring over job postings and reading about career paths and continuing education and the truth is, there are a lot of things that I could do. I'm a fairly competent person and given the right resources, I tend to figure things out. And while obsessing over the limitless possibilities, amid the noise in my head, I started to hear the recurring themes of what I did and did not want in my life and in my work.

Again, I had to be quiet and ask myself what I really wanted.

What I really want is to write. It comes down to that answer every single time. That shouldn't be surprising since I started this blog as a way to track my writing journey, but what I also learned is that I don't want to fully leave my previous line of work. I enjoy it. I get to help people make something that only previously existed in the land of imagination and that's cool. I like collaborating. I like team work. There's way too much good to abandon it completely, but there are ways to do that work that allow for balance and opportunity to pursue my writing goals. That's what I'm after.

The moral of this little story is that making decisions, especially big decisions, is hard. Try a quick Google search and you'll find pages and pages of articles dedicated to that truth and there are plenty of good options that you can try (like this, and this, and this) but I'm guessing that it's sort of like picking a diet. The right one is the one that works for you. As it turns out, my method is 1) Shut out the noise 2) Follow my instincts 3) Take action. I cannot yet tell you how well it works as I am just another work in progress, but feel free to give it a try and let me know how it goes for you.

Finally to answer the last and most pressing question you probably have: Yes, the title of the post is 100% a reference to "10 Things I Hate About You". I love that movie!

The One Where the Plot Goes Missing

I am a life long T.V. junkie. Since I pursued a career in television production, I thought all of those hours committed to the consumption of episodic programming, particularly silly sitcoms (the louder the laugh track the better), had served me well in my goals. Ah, you just can't beat the comfort of rationalization.

What's that you say? Read my writing? Fine. Ok. I don't see why, but-

Damn.

Perhaps my little habit hadn't prepared me well for my new path. Once it was in pieces, I was forced to see that my manuscript was not a plotted story, but a collection of episodes; small, sometimes silly, events connected by character, time and place, but not events that were necessarily entwined or relevant to one another and definitely nothing that was propelling my protagonist in any direction.

Well, shoot- that's a problem.

After a sleepless night of some not-so-nice meditation (it went something like- "you suck" "you shouldn't have even tried" "what made you think you could do this"), it occurred to me that the solution to my big problem was pretty simple. I needed to define a tangible goal for my protagonist. I had established my goal as the writer, meaning I knew what I wanted her to experience, learn, and achieve, but I hadn't given her a goal within the context of the story. With that addition, without changing the tone or intention of the novel, I finally had motivation for events, connections of cause and effect, and (miracle of miracles!) an actual plot. Yay for growth!

Ok, maybe it's not fair to blame my literary shortcomings entirely on television, but it is also called the idiot box, so I'm just going to let it ride. Oh, rationalization, how I've missed you.

Procrastination Station: Work, Play, Work

I have been a bad bad writer. Not because my writing itself is bad (that's still up for discussion), but because I haven't been writing. Every how-to-write book that I've read ends in the same sentiment; sit down and write. It's the only solid advice that is universal to every writer and I've been ignoring it for well over a week. Not acceptable! As a form of self punishment, I have to fess up to whatever is keeping me away from my manuscript and this time it's work, play, and more work.

Work, my bill-paying job that is, takes up 60-70 hours of my time every week. It's just one of the perils of working in television. If you can't hack it with the schedule, then you can't hack it in the industry. I knew that going in, so I'm ok with it, but the number of hours isn't the only problem. It's also the mental exhaustion that comes from being the person that helps the creative types accomplish their goals.  When I was in school, one of my professors told me, "film making is problem solving," and he was absolutely right. That's the bulk of what I do, and I like it. I get a charge from developing and successfully executing a plan. It's the same thing that makes me love plotting a story, but when I get home, all of my mojo is gone and there is nothing worthwhile to put on the page. How do people do it? Writers come from all walks of life. There are doctors, lawyers, nurses, and all other manner of in-demand professionals who manage to write, publish and promote their work, so there must be a way.

Weekends are my prime time for writing. I usually have the better part of at least one day when I can sit down, focus, and do some real work. Last weekend - nothing. I didn't edit or add even one word. And what, you might ask, kept me away from something that is so important to me? Georgia Football (Go Dawgs!) and fancy dinner. Instead of putting in the time on my manuscript, I spent four hours in a bar screaming and barking (it's a DAWG thing) at a television and then drinking, laughing and eating with co-workers. But, there's nothing wrong with having a little fun, right? I don't want to be a hermit writer who never interacts with the outside world. Again, I ask - how do people do it? Surely not every successful writer has quit his or her full-time job and shunned all socialization for the sake of writing. Think of all of the disturbing and twisted work we as readers would be subjected to if published works were coming from personalities that only existed at a keyboard.

From what I can tell, this time management issue is a pretty normal writer problem, but how do we fix it without moving home with our parents or spending all of our time alone in a room with nothing but a blank page to keep us company? If you've got the answer, please, PLEASE share it. If you don't, join the club.