I Want It All on the Table

Confession time. The post title today is inspired by the teaser of the new Justin Timberlake song that comes out tomorrow (Yes, I'm grown AF. No, I cannot freaking wait!!!). Perhaps it's because I've watched that trailer at least twenty times, but I can't get the thought out of my head that, I do -  I want it all on the table.

And that's why...

I'm self publishing my first novel. I'm doing it!  As an e-book, it shall live!!!

I was so against this move when I began this process. Sure, it would have been my preference to find an agent and major publisher and ride a wave of success all the way to writing glory, but that's just not what happened. I've been sporadically querying this bad girl for a couple of years, and the responses have varied from silence, to blatant disinterest, to slightly encouraging dismissal. All of it; however, boils down to the same "no". And yes, I can admit that I wrote this book in my late twenties and in a time in my life that is so different from where I am now and what my life has become that I don't see much of myself or my voice anymore, which makes it hard to sell, but I also like the little thing too much. I can't just abandon it and let it go unread. Maybe it doesn't have my fire anymore, but it doesn't deserve to be left behind as a file on a computer that will soon (judging by the disturbing sounds it has been making lately) die and collect dust. It feels like a betrayal to the characters in my book and the girl I was when I wrote them to walk away with it unfinished. Because, let's face it, until it is published, it isn't finished.

I also feel like I can't really move on to my next novel until I've let this one go. I've been making some drastic changes in my life lately and I'm ready to dive back in to my writing, but I need to close this chapter first.

I'm having one more copy edit done because I'm the worst with my own typos and I don't want to embarrass myself, but once that's done, that's it. I'm committed. I want it all on the table!

Oh, and also - JT FOREVER!!!!

The Next Problem and Then the Next...

I had a film professor in school that told me "film making is problem solving." At the time, I was relieved to hear it, because I could solve problems, but I couldn't set proper lighting or hold a steady camera shot to save my life (or grade). I also didn't know at the time just how right he was. I encounter it everyday in my professional life. It's one problem, or challenge, or change that requires a solution, fix, or adjustment after another. 

I was watching The Martian last night (Hey, Matt Damon! I see you boo!) and in addition to the obvious theme that Matt Damon is perfect and can do anything, it too approaches the idea that life is solving a succession of problems. 

How do I apply this idea to writing? I'm constantly overwhelmed by the process. I think about writing all the time, but I do it sporadically. It's not because I don't have anything to say or because I'm lazy. I start thinking about all of the things that go into writing and freeze to complete inaction. You don't have to just write a freaking novel, which ha ha ha, is sort of the easy part. (Not easy, but the one thing in this whole process that's entirely yours, at least to start.) Then you edit. Then you get critiques. Then you edit again. Then you query, and query, and query some more. Also, let us not forget the all important "platform" that you're supposed to cultivate along with writing a FREAKING NOVEL. No, ok, I'm not getting revved up, but this is a never ending "no win" when you start putting it all together. 

So, I'm going to Watney this bitch. My biggest problem right now is that I need an agent for my first novel. My solution is to query five agents per week. That's a reasonable, non threatening number.That's one problem and one way of finding the solution. I'm going to let that be enough for now. 

#Truth: This post carried on for several more paragraphs all to explore the next issues and possible solutions. By the time I'd finished writing that draft, I was back to being a ball of anxiety who wanted to quit and just turn on the television. This "one at a time" method is going to be harder than I thought. 

Mandy's Chicken & Waffles

No, it is not a dinner order. It's a confession.

I'm a chicken.

I have been sitting on my manuscript (not literally as it's on my computer and I don't have the kind of cash I would need to replace a bunch of destroyed laptops) for months ... and months.

Notes from one of my most trusted friends who happens to read for a living (that's a massive over simplification of her job, but still it sounds pretty sweet) came back and I feel confident that what I have is ready to be seen by other professionals. So, there it is. My manuscript is as ready as I can make it without agent or editor. Years of work is compacted into 250+ pdf pages. Ah, doesn't that feel good?

No! It feels terrifying.

I have to show this to people!

People are going to judge it!

I AM FREAKING THE HELL OUT!!!!

The 2014 Guide to Literary Agents is in hand. The list of agents looking for Commercial Women's Fiction (Not Chick-Lit. Now way. No how. Not me. Chick-Lit is a bad phrase to agents.) is compiled. My query letter is written, proofread, and proofread again. And still, I can't hit the "send" button.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I did submit to one agent last June. I met said agent at the Spring Atlanta Writers Conference and she was very nice and requested pages; not the full manuscript, just pages. I guess that should have been my first clue. Since I'm still trying to get the nerve to query, I'm sure you've rightly guessed that I wast rejected. It was firm "no", but not a mean one. It wasn't a "You suck at life. Please stop abusing literature" kind of a rejection. It was a "not for me" rejection, and still it crushed me.

It was after that rejection that I asked my aforementioned friend to take a look at the novel. I wish I had done that before submitting to the first agent, because she gave me some valuable feedback and caught a bunch of very embarrassing typos. But since those notes came back and those changes have been made, I have started and deleted at least 10 query emails. When it comes time to send the email, I spaz-out and find some (often ridiculous) reason to walk away before sending. I have never been so active on Facebook as I have been while trying to query.

I know the seasoned writers of the world think nothing of a rejection. It is not pessimistic to believe that there will be more rejections in the future. That's just writing.

Still, it is so scary.