Can you ever just be whelmed? : Overwhelming Options and Committing to a Path

I am a person who deals with anxiety on a daily basis. Some days it is the ordinary, being a person, kind of stress and some days it makes me shrink into myself so all I can do is stew in my own misery. It can be emotionally paralyzing on those days and, well, I've had a lot of those days lately.

I recently made a choice to make a major life change. I left a job I'd been at for 8 years. It was a job that came with a lot of perks. It was a job that gave me financial security. It was a job where I got to work with a lot of interesting and talented people and a job where I made a lot friends, some of which will be lifers.

And all of that being true, I was deeply unhappy. My health was starting to suffer and depression was taking over. After a lot of talking about it with anyone who would listen (Sorry Besties) and spending night after sleepless night in anguish trying to decide to stay or go, the time came and I had to make a decision. I didn't want to drag things out for myself or my employer. We both deserved better. So, I went for a walk and said to myself "I'm staying" and felt a dread knot form in my stomach. Then I said to myself "I'm going" and felt much lighter and more hopeful. There was my answer. I was going.

And go I did.

I wish I could say that I'm 100% sure that I made the right choice, but I can't. Doubt creeps in sometimes, and that decision opened up a world of options, which in theory is great, but to a person who already has anxiety problems is hellishly overwhelming. I've spent weeks pouring over job postings and reading about career paths and continuing education and the truth is, there are a lot of things that I could do. I'm a fairly competent person and given the right resources, I tend to figure things out. And while obsessing over the limitless possibilities, amid the noise in my head, I started to hear the recurring themes of what I did and did not want in my life and in my work.

Again, I had to be quiet and ask myself what I really wanted.

What I really want is to write. It comes down to that answer every single time. That shouldn't be surprising since I started this blog as a way to track my writing journey, but what I also learned is that I don't want to fully leave my previous line of work. I enjoy it. I get to help people make something that only previously existed in the land of imagination and that's cool. I like collaborating. I like team work. There's way too much good to abandon it completely, but there are ways to do that work that allow for balance and opportunity to pursue my writing goals. That's what I'm after.

The moral of this little story is that making decisions, especially big decisions, is hard. Try a quick Google search and you'll find pages and pages of articles dedicated to that truth and there are plenty of good options that you can try (like this, and this, and this) but I'm guessing that it's sort of like picking a diet. The right one is the one that works for you. As it turns out, my method is 1) Shut out the noise 2) Follow my instincts 3) Take action. I cannot yet tell you how well it works as I am just another work in progress, but feel free to give it a try and let me know how it goes for you.

Finally to answer the last and most pressing question you probably have: Yes, the title of the post is 100% a reference to "10 Things I Hate About You". I love that movie!

I Want It All on the Table

Confession time. The post title today is inspired by the teaser of the new Justin Timberlake song that comes out tomorrow (Yes, I'm grown AF. No, I cannot freaking wait!!!). Perhaps it's because I've watched that trailer at least twenty times, but I can't get the thought out of my head that, I do -  I want it all on the table.

And that's why...

I'm self publishing my first novel. I'm doing it!  As an e-book, it shall live!!!

I was so against this move when I began this process. Sure, it would have been my preference to find an agent and major publisher and ride a wave of success all the way to writing glory, but that's just not what happened. I've been sporadically querying this bad girl for a couple of years, and the responses have varied from silence, to blatant disinterest, to slightly encouraging dismissal. All of it; however, boils down to the same "no". And yes, I can admit that I wrote this book in my late twenties and in a time in my life that is so different from where I am now and what my life has become that I don't see much of myself or my voice anymore, which makes it hard to sell, but I also like the little thing too much. I can't just abandon it and let it go unread. Maybe it doesn't have my fire anymore, but it doesn't deserve to be left behind as a file on a computer that will soon (judging by the disturbing sounds it has been making lately) die and collect dust. It feels like a betrayal to the characters in my book and the girl I was when I wrote them to walk away with it unfinished. Because, let's face it, until it is published, it isn't finished.

I also feel like I can't really move on to my next novel until I've let this one go. I've been making some drastic changes in my life lately and I'm ready to dive back in to my writing, but I need to close this chapter first.

I'm having one more copy edit done because I'm the worst with my own typos and I don't want to embarrass myself, but once that's done, that's it. I'm committed. I want it all on the table!

Oh, and also - JT FOREVER!!!!

The Next Problem and Then the Next...

I had a film professor in school that told me "film making is problem solving." At the time, I was relieved to hear it, because I could solve problems, but I couldn't set proper lighting or hold a steady camera shot to save my life (or grade). I also didn't know at the time just how right he was. I encounter it everyday in my professional life. It's one problem, or challenge, or change that requires a solution, fix, or adjustment after another. 

I was watching The Martian last night (Hey, Matt Damon! I see you boo!) and in addition to the obvious theme that Matt Damon is perfect and can do anything, it too approaches the idea that life is solving a succession of problems. 

How do I apply this idea to writing? I'm constantly overwhelmed by the process. I think about writing all the time, but I do it sporadically. It's not because I don't have anything to say or because I'm lazy. I start thinking about all of the things that go into writing and freeze to complete inaction. You don't have to just write a freaking novel, which ha ha ha, is sort of the easy part. (Not easy, but the one thing in this whole process that's entirely yours, at least to start.) Then you edit. Then you get critiques. Then you edit again. Then you query, and query, and query some more. Also, let us not forget the all important "platform" that you're supposed to cultivate along with writing a FREAKING NOVEL. No, ok, I'm not getting revved up, but this is a never ending "no win" when you start putting it all together. 

So, I'm going to Watney this bitch. My biggest problem right now is that I need an agent for my first novel. My solution is to query five agents per week. That's a reasonable, non threatening number.That's one problem and one way of finding the solution. I'm going to let that be enough for now. 

#Truth: This post carried on for several more paragraphs all to explore the next issues and possible solutions. By the time I'd finished writing that draft, I was back to being a ball of anxiety who wanted to quit and just turn on the television. This "one at a time" method is going to be harder than I thought. 

Mandy's Chicken & Waffles

No, it is not a dinner order. It's a confession.

I'm a chicken.

I have been sitting on my manuscript (not literally as it's on my computer and I don't have the kind of cash I would need to replace a bunch of destroyed laptops) for months ... and months.

Notes from one of my most trusted friends who happens to read for a living (that's a massive over simplification of her job, but still it sounds pretty sweet) came back and I feel confident that what I have is ready to be seen by other professionals. So, there it is. My manuscript is as ready as I can make it without agent or editor. Years of work is compacted into 250+ pdf pages. Ah, doesn't that feel good?

No! It feels terrifying.

I have to show this to people!

People are going to judge it!

I AM FREAKING THE HELL OUT!!!!

The 2014 Guide to Literary Agents is in hand. The list of agents looking for Commercial Women's Fiction (Not Chick-Lit. Now way. No how. Not me. Chick-Lit is a bad phrase to agents.) is compiled. My query letter is written, proofread, and proofread again. And still, I can't hit the "send" button.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I did submit to one agent last June. I met said agent at the Spring Atlanta Writers Conference and she was very nice and requested pages; not the full manuscript, just pages. I guess that should have been my first clue. Since I'm still trying to get the nerve to query, I'm sure you've rightly guessed that I wast rejected. It was firm "no", but not a mean one. It wasn't a "You suck at life. Please stop abusing literature" kind of a rejection. It was a "not for me" rejection, and still it crushed me.

It was after that rejection that I asked my aforementioned friend to take a look at the novel. I wish I had done that before submitting to the first agent, because she gave me some valuable feedback and caught a bunch of very embarrassing typos. But since those notes came back and those changes have been made, I have started and deleted at least 10 query emails. When it comes time to send the email, I spaz-out and find some (often ridiculous) reason to walk away before sending. I have never been so active on Facebook as I have been while trying to query.

I know the seasoned writers of the world think nothing of a rejection. It is not pessimistic to believe that there will be more rejections in the future. That's just writing.

Still, it is so scary.

Every Day I'm Hustlin'

I recently had the pleasure of speaking on a panel at the University of Georgia (Go Dawgs!) to address undergraduates interested in pursing careers in film and television production. It was odd to be in a position of any authority, but in my years since graduation I have learned enough to be helpful to those who are just getting started. As I gave what little bit of wisdom I could, it occurred to me that some of the ideas that I and the other TV/Film vets were offering to these fresh faces were the same things veteran authors have been saying to us newbie writers.

1. No one cares what you WANT to do, until you show them what you CAN do. 
Kids, do not, let me say it one more time, DO NOT walk into your interview for a production assistant job and tell the coordinator that you want to be an Executive Producer. Guess what? No one cares. When you've proven that you can work sixteen straight hours without complaining, arrive to work fifteen minutes early for your six AM call time, remember how many raw sugar packets the director likes in her coffee (It's zero, dummy. She doesn't use sugar), and show up to work with the worst cold of your life and manage to keep your germs to yourself, then maybe someone will ask you what you hope to do someday. I know it sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

Doesn't this also have to apply for writers? I'm not agented, so I'm just assuming here, but I can't imagine that a prospective agent cares about aspirations for fame and glory if the manuscript isn't done, the edits aren't taken seriously, the deadlines are missed and the platform is nonexistent. Hey, little writer, you want to be the next Nora Ephron, but your manuscript is in shambles and the only one who reads your blog is your mom? Well, good luck with that. Proving that you can do the work is the first order of business.

2. Find your angle.
On one of my first jobs in the television industry I made up the position that then became mine for almost a year. I was working on a children's show and there were about thirty kids at a time who needed constant supervision. "Hey- it sure does look like you guys need a kid wrangler." I said to no one and started wrangling kids. I was good with kids, so I went for it and before I knew it, bam! I had a regular gig.

Maybe as writers, we don't have to sacrifice our eardrums and sit in a room with thirty over-amped, competitive, and creepily adult stage kids, but we do still have to find our angle. I've heard it repeatedly. Find your voice. Find what makes you connect with readers in a way the others don't.  We have to find our "in'.

3. Speak up, but don't say nothin'.
Networking is important while making your way in production. No one gives a flying fig about your resume and you will almost never be hired because of it. If, however, someone says, "Sure, I know Joe. He's a great guy" well, then go ahead and start planning that vacation you'll be taking at the end of the project. The key is to avoid being a schmoozy creeper who is constantly trying to work someone. You have to give something; a recommendation, a favor, hell, just a funny video that passes the time during a lighting change, to make people remember you as someone who added something to their days/weeks/projects/lives.

As writers, we learn the same thing while we're trying to build a readership. It's not enough to just say, Hey- I wrote this. Read it. We've go to give value to our readers. So, yes, you do have to speak up to let people know you exist, but you can't just make noise. You have to say something real. 

4. Don't just pay back, pay forward.
This one I didn't say while I was talking to the undergrads, but I wish I had. One of my fellow panelists told the audience to "be nice" which is solid advice. I wish I had added, be nice to everyone. Don't just suck up to people you think can do something for you. Don't just make your boss happy. Make your fellow crew members look good too. Sure, it's important to show gratitude to someone who helps you achieve a goal, but it's also important to be the person who helps someone else achieve her goal.

Writers, this goes for us too. We have to (and from my limited experience, are pretty good at) support other writers. We have to follow back, "Like", retweet, leave comments, add reviews and otherwise help our fellow authors spread their works and build their audiences and we can't just do it because we expect others to do the same for us (though you're kind of a jerk-wad if you don't). Without the support of our fellow writers, we're left to hoping that we find a really kick ass agent and/or publisher who is going to take on all of the responsibility of promoting our work. Again- good luck with that.

The bottom line- it takes a lot of hustle to achieve a big goal. You have to give your all, all the time and keep trying when things don't go the way you planned.

And, because this is what I sing to myself when I feel like I'm getting things done, it's time to quote Pharrell/Jay-Z, "I'm a hustler, baby. I just want you to know. It ain't where I been, but where I'm about to go..." (Quit singing there. That song gets pretty gross pretty fast.)

The One Where the Plot Goes Missing

I am a life long T.V. junkie. Since I pursued a career in television production, I thought all of those hours committed to the consumption of episodic programming, particularly silly sitcoms (the louder the laugh track the better), had served me well in my goals. Ah, you just can't beat the comfort of rationalization.

What's that you say? Read my writing? Fine. Ok. I don't see why, but-

Damn.

Perhaps my little habit hadn't prepared me well for my new path. Once it was in pieces, I was forced to see that my manuscript was not a plotted story, but a collection of episodes; small, sometimes silly, events connected by character, time and place, but not events that were necessarily entwined or relevant to one another and definitely nothing that was propelling my protagonist in any direction.

Well, shoot- that's a problem.

After a sleepless night of some not-so-nice meditation (it went something like- "you suck" "you shouldn't have even tried" "what made you think you could do this"), it occurred to me that the solution to my big problem was pretty simple. I needed to define a tangible goal for my protagonist. I had established my goal as the writer, meaning I knew what I wanted her to experience, learn, and achieve, but I hadn't given her a goal within the context of the story. With that addition, without changing the tone or intention of the novel, I finally had motivation for events, connections of cause and effect, and (miracle of miracles!) an actual plot. Yay for growth!

Ok, maybe it's not fair to blame my literary shortcomings entirely on television, but it is also called the idiot box, so I'm just going to let it ride. Oh, rationalization, how I've missed you.

Playing With (Story) Blocks

Have I ever mentioned that the revision process is hell? While I'm working my way through this hellish process chapter by chapter, paragraph by paragraph and line by line, there has been one thing that stands out as the most helpful tool in my re-write toolbox and it's the thing that removed most of my hard chosen words and turned my manuscript into a small collection of half pages that are both voiceless and utilitarian. That tool is chapter summaries. It's such a simple idea- go through the manuscript one chapter at a time and summarize each one. So easy! So useful! Why is it so helpful? (It's cool. I know that's what you're thinking.) It's helpful in a few very specific, but really important ways.

1. Structure Check- Like a story, a chapter should have a beginning, middle and end. Summarizing a chapter makes it easy to spot if the chapter is delivering on its story responsibilities.

2. Chapter Cuts- This one is major but painful. In my earlier editing efforts I could feel when a chapter was dragging, but I couldn't bring myself to cut it. All that work just to be deleted? I couldn't deal with it. But, when that dragging, unnecessary or redundant chapter is reduced to a few paragraphs, it becomes a lot easier to draw an aggressive red X through it and move on. (Note: when I went back to the manuscript I straight deleted red-X chapters. I did not read the chapter again. The red X shows no mercy.)

3. Plot Overhaul- I suppose not everyone will need this one, but I sure did. My plot was seriously, majorly, horrifically flawed. Once those not-so-pretty chapter summaries were done, I could physically move things around like little wordy building blocks and see where the plot was lacking. Sure, it left me with some chapters to be written from scratch, but at least now, when someone asks me what my book is about, I have a confident answer.

Now to give credit where credit it due. I did not come up with this nifty solution. I have to give credit to Chris Baty who was speaking at the Crossroads Writers conference in little old Macon, Georgia. Maybe the use of chapter summaries is a technique known by the writing vets, but it was new to me, and when I was sitting in a hotel meeting room and I asked my question- What do you do when you're stuck in revisions? - Mr. Baty threw out chapter summaries as a real and constructive solution. His answer was neither fluffy theory blow-off nor bitterness laced shutdown, both of which are abundant at writers conferences. He said- here, try this. I tried. I liked. So, props to that guy. If you're stuck like I was, give it a shot. Maybe it will work for you too. Maybe.

Off the Shelf

Writing advice books are like diet books. They all say "here's this thing I tried and it worked for me, so it must work for you too." Wouldn't it be nice if that were the case? But, the truth is, just like how-to-lose weight, all you can really get from how-to-write books is "Here's this thing that worked for me. You're welcome to try it. No guarantees." That's fine. That's fair. As long as you're trying, you are bound to find something that works.

I've only read a small handful of instructional books. There are a few more sitting on my shelf, but I've been deterred from going too in depth, because while some books are helpful and inspiring (Hello, Stephen King) many of them are just collections of  "you can do it too" trope. There is, however, one thing that every book, every guest speaker, every fellow writer seems to agree on; in order to be a writer you have to write. Don't just think about it. Don't just dream about it. Definitely, don't just read about it. Put your butt in the chair, your fingers to the keyboard and write. Sounds like pretty solid advice to me, but I think there is still some validity in reading the occasional instructional manual. Even if all you get from it is a renewal of inspiration, then you've done something good with your time.

If you're taking a break from the keyboard or if you're just looking for something to help you refocus, here's a list of a few instructionals that I've really enjoyed. If you have any to add, please chime in.

On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King
Writing the Blockbuster Novel by Albert Zuckerman
The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. & E.B. White
How to Write What You Want & Sell What You Write by Skip Press

Procrastination Station: Work, Play, Work

I have been a bad bad writer. Not because my writing itself is bad (that's still up for discussion), but because I haven't been writing. Every how-to-write book that I've read ends in the same sentiment; sit down and write. It's the only solid advice that is universal to every writer and I've been ignoring it for well over a week. Not acceptable! As a form of self punishment, I have to fess up to whatever is keeping me away from my manuscript and this time it's work, play, and more work.

Work, my bill-paying job that is, takes up 60-70 hours of my time every week. It's just one of the perils of working in television. If you can't hack it with the schedule, then you can't hack it in the industry. I knew that going in, so I'm ok with it, but the number of hours isn't the only problem. It's also the mental exhaustion that comes from being the person that helps the creative types accomplish their goals.  When I was in school, one of my professors told me, "film making is problem solving," and he was absolutely right. That's the bulk of what I do, and I like it. I get a charge from developing and successfully executing a plan. It's the same thing that makes me love plotting a story, but when I get home, all of my mojo is gone and there is nothing worthwhile to put on the page. How do people do it? Writers come from all walks of life. There are doctors, lawyers, nurses, and all other manner of in-demand professionals who manage to write, publish and promote their work, so there must be a way.

Weekends are my prime time for writing. I usually have the better part of at least one day when I can sit down, focus, and do some real work. Last weekend - nothing. I didn't edit or add even one word. And what, you might ask, kept me away from something that is so important to me? Georgia Football (Go Dawgs!) and fancy dinner. Instead of putting in the time on my manuscript, I spent four hours in a bar screaming and barking (it's a DAWG thing) at a television and then drinking, laughing and eating with co-workers. But, there's nothing wrong with having a little fun, right? I don't want to be a hermit writer who never interacts with the outside world. Again, I ask - how do people do it? Surely not every successful writer has quit his or her full-time job and shunned all socialization for the sake of writing. Think of all of the disturbing and twisted work we as readers would be subjected to if published works were coming from personalities that only existed at a keyboard.

From what I can tell, this time management issue is a pretty normal writer problem, but how do we fix it without moving home with our parents or spending all of our time alone in a room with nothing but a blank page to keep us company? If you've got the answer, please, PLEASE share it. If you don't, join the club.

A Little Help from My Friends (Part 2)

I'm sure you'll be thrilled to know that I did depart "Procrastination Station." Ok, maybe not thrilled, but whatever, I was pretty psyched. It started with some superficial changes and evolved into huge cuts and major re-writes. I have a long way to go before my manuscript is ready for an agent's eyes, but after I hit the delete button on chapter 3, (Don't feel bad. It was total crap.) I was fully committed. As the pages changed I could clearly see two things; 1: there is value to this excruciating exercise, 2: my friends/beta-readers had been telling me all along what was wrong and I was just too chicken to see it.

Here are some honest-to-goodness answers from my beta-reader questionnaires:

Question: How did you react to the opening of the story? Were you engaged or bored?
Answer 1: I was engaged.
Subtext: I was bored. So bored in fact that I'm going give you a three word answer because I can't remember anything specific.
Answer 2: It seems to drag a little, but also needed to understand why [the protagonist] is the way she is.
Answer 3: I was intrigued, but not completely hooked in the beginning. 
Subtext: I'm trying to be really nice here, because I see what you were trying to do, but damn, pick up the pace! 

Question: Did the story move quickly enough? Too quickly?
Answer 1: Some parts were too quick; especially at the end.*
Subtext: Totally rushed the ending. What the hell?!
Answer 2: Could move faster in some places.
Subtext: It was too slow. I don't know where you fell off because I was napping.
Answer 3: Yes.  
Subtext: ?????

Question: Was the resolution satisfying? If not, what would you have like to see happen?*
Answer 1: I liked the resolution. Plus you could do a sequel.
Answer 2: It was satisfying enough and left potential for a follow up book.
Subtext: No. It was not satisfying. I want you to write a whole 2nd book just to make it ok. Get to typing! 
Answer 3: No!! I want a good sex scene at end! Okay. Okay. Save it for the 2nd book.
Subtext: I just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Also, what the first two said.

So, what can I take away from this? 1- I have some serious pacing issues. 2- My friends know what they're talking about. They may have given soft answers to spare my feelings, but the truth was still there. I just had to pay attention.
* I'm not sure if I should be comforted by this, but according to this post on  Bent on Books, the rushed ending is something that plagues a lot of us newbies. Check it out: Beginnings, Endings, and the stuff  in between